Thank you <3

Thank you, these are great ideas :) <3

Yeah, I’ve been suffering from depression for around 1,5 years and am currently on antidepressants in addition to my adhd meds. Looking back on my life I can see how ADHD has always been there but I also think that my interpersonal relationships suffered as badly as they could have. I think I was often lucky. For example, I lost my first “proper job” because I kept forgetting important things. But regardless of that my boss liked me on a personal level, suggested that this job just wasn’t for me and when I got a job at the same place but a different department we still got along great.

But my relationship with my wife had only been my second proper relationship and my first true long-term relationship and I feel like my ADHD was a ticking timebomb and when it went off it shattered everything.

Thank you so, so much. All the kind words I have received in these comments really mean so much to me.

I think by now my partner does grasp what having ADHD means. In the past she didn’t really know what it meant and thought that ok people were maybe a bit more chaotic or forgetful.

But she has realized that the way my brain works is just fundamentally different and sometimes incomprehensible to her. And she knows me having ADHD means she has to put up with some things in order to be together with me but it’s reached a point where there isn’t really any, or hardly any, happiness left. She feels completely drained and constantly on the edge of depression. We have completely fallen into the “child-parent-dynamic” and she says being married to me is like being married to a teenager. Or having a child without having a child. Which in turn, I guess it goes without saying, has also pretty much killed any romance or attraction between us.

My partner 100% doesn’t have ADHD, I have never met a more focused, attentive, pro-active person than her. She always immediately knows what to do and gets it done. But she’s repeatedly stated that she thinks she might be on the autistic spectrum and from what I know about it and what I know about her I agree it might be the case and, if true, that would probably be another factor making things difficult 🤔

Yeah. I often notice that I can do something just fine if I’m doing it on my own.

This may be a ridiculous example but: One common source of friction is when we go grocery shopping together and put all the items back into the shopping cart after the cashier has scanned them. They are super fast and so we need to be pretty fast as well putting them back into the cart without for instance damaging fruit or veggies.

When we are shopping together I never know what to do. My partner is super fast at putting things into the cart and I want to try to help but I feel like I’m just getting the the way because I’m putting things back in the wrong order or into the wrong part of the cart.

When I’m on my own I do it just fine my own way.

I have a job, and fortunately one that I’m actually really good at. I participate in chores but the problem is more like… being aware of “the bigger picture”, so to speak. Like, when we’re looking for / moving into a new apartment: All the things that will need to be done in the process and doing them in time. Thinking and planning ahead.

One of the turning points for me was to stop putting myself last and to instead put myself first.

This is actually great advice. I’ve started to notice that I have ended up in a mental place where I’m constantly beating myself up and disregarding my own needs and feelings because “I’m the one who’s wrong” and so I feel like I’m not allowed to complain about anything. It’s not helpful at all.

Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions :) I’m on meds, yes, and I think it has helped a bit but not as much as I had hoped it would.

I’m sorry to hear that. Having ADHD is a struggle but being the partner of someone with ADHD is extremely exhausting as well. I think there should be support groups for partners of ADHD-people.

Thank you so much :) I have in fact started to set reminders and alarms for things I need to do and it works well. My problem is rather to become aware of things that will need to be taken care of soon or being attentive enough to notice when something needs to be done, you know?

Thank you for your kind words <3 <3 <3

Thank you <3 I don’t think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don’t have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.

Yeah but the problem is I often fuck up my responsibilities :(

Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that’s a big if) there’s still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.

Thank you so much! Yeah I often forget that and only see all the things I haven’t achieved yet.

Thank you so much, I appreciate it!

Yeah, I… I try to remind myself that I can’t change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don’t mean it as an excuse but that’s the whole problem with ADHD.

We definitely need space from each other right now and… I don’t know, I’m both incredibly sad but also if we really can’t make each other happy anymore than that’s a fact I need to accept.

Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.

My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.

Thank you so much for your words and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard thing yourself <3

Thank you, I really appreciate your input.

I’ve been getting better at handling things, I think. I also realize that sometimes I’m so scared of fucking up that I don’t know what / how I should do something. But when I just do it without worrying so much it often works out. Maybe not in the most efficient way, maybe sometimes in a kinda complicated way, but often I do find a way.

I will keep trying my best and I know I will keep getting better at things. And if my marriage really is over then maybe we can both be happier than we are now.

Thank you <3 <3 <3