I saw that other post about worst dates and honestly can’t relate since I’ve never dated anyone, I just wanted to know if I was the only one here. That’s it, you don’t have to go deeper if you don’t want to
I don’t believe I could be a good partner. I abandon anything the instant it loses novelty. There is no way I could naturally perform my role in a relationship every day. I may even be the kind of person who would start cheating if they got a taste for relationships but couldn’t commit to a person. I’d rather not open that box of possibilities. It’s easier to be my impulsive self alone.
The idea of being in a relationship scares me. I grew in a house where my parents had fights, sometimes violent but most times quiet and tense. My sister has had a few relationships where she had to physically take a gun away from her boyfriend. My closest aunty has an on/off relationship with her boyfriend. And, the rest of my family, with the exception of one or two of my aunts and uncles, are all either single or having relationship issues.
Who’s to say that I won’t be roped into that? I still have nightmares about the fights that still happen to this day. I cower everytime I hear someone raise their voice and I retreat back to my room whenever I feel that tension. I don’t want my future spouse to go through something like that so I’d rather just stay alone.
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I don’t know how to talk to people, and I never understand what others want or how they think
I’m young and this is part of the reason why I’m not on dating apps and stuff yet, but I’m shy at making friends so I don’t think going on dates would be magically better
also I never met anyone who is as interested as I am in at least one of my hobbies, I don’t even know if I can talk about that in case I meet someone, because normally no one is interested so I don’t talk about it
adhd, bullied endlessly since grade school, chronically ill, that chronic illness was unknown therefore mismanaged til high school, intense anxiety, general fear of people…
I’m sure there’s more reasons, but those are the ones that come to mind
Because since my early teens I had to babysit 2 adults in a loveless marriage. My mother is the most vicious human I personally know. She is the definition of a sociopath and narcissist. Every day of my life has felt like being on the receiving end of a Karen’s tantrum. Of course nobody knows about that, because the second a 3rd party like a friend or a stranger enters the situation, she acts like an angel with all the nice smiles and politeness we never get to see. My father is on one hand afraid of her and on the other hand still stuck in the fantasy of having a functioning and traditional family. I can’t leave them alone, because somebody will literally die if I do. We already had arguments where police had to get involved, and guess on which side the police ended up being on? After those particularly bad arguments I literally had to cook my own food or order take-out because I didn’t want to find out what mashed potatoes with fertilizer or rat poison tastes like. I have to be there and act as a witness to every argument because my mother already has shown that she will confidently twist reality to present herself as a victim to authorities. My father isn’t exactly a saint either so she has enough to hold legaly over his head.
My mother has completely ruined any woman’s image in my eyes. You know how most men end up with a woman that resembles their mother? Well, I’m so afraid of this happening that every time I meet another girl my brain goes on high alert looking for any similarities. And I always find some, which completely shuts me down emotionally towards this person. That’s how it’s been all my life. Now I’m to old to be in my first real relationship, because partners expect you to be reasonably well put together and emotionally stable, which I am not. I’ve long accepted my fate of life long loneliness as long I can keep my family drama contained.
I’m what would generally be described as ‘damaged goods’. That’s why I voluntarily keep myself far away from women. On that note though, I’m great with men, I can meet a total stranger and have him belly laughing and inviting me to their birthday party within the first 20 minutes. I treat women exactly the same, but they neither share a man’s humor, nor their common interests. Which works great for me, because I don’t have to show any romantic interest, neither does a woman ever see me in a romantic way. I get along ‘OK’ with women and that’s enough for me to make it through the day. Not that it really matters, as of this writing, the last time I’ve had an eye-to-eye with a woman (excluding cashiers, receptionists or my mother) was maybe a month ago.
It’s not like I’m completely numb to affectionate emotions. I still feel the effects of loneliness and isolation like anybody else would. But well… it is what it is. If anything, I try to educate my married friends on a relationships effect on a child’s development before they decide to have any themselves. Preventing a single child from going through the same shit I have to experience daily, is for me already a life well lived.
If there’s one thing I could say to my younger self it would be ‘I’m sorry this happened to you.’
Genuine question, why not just walk away?
Like, it doesn’t solve the mental issues you’re already dealing with because of the years of trauma, but like, it seems like step one of healing would be to remove yourself from the situation, no?
Like, tell your dad he should probably get out, because you’re not gonna be there to play witness to keep him out of jail anymore, and then pop deuces?
I’ve tried, but there are multiple reasons.
First, I have literally less than zero money. I’ve been in education almost all my life because people always told me that after [insert degree] you will have infinite options and a good job. Well that doesn’t really work if you’re grades are always shit and you need 9 years for a 6 year degree. Its almost impossible to sell yourself during job hunting if almost every class has a barely passing grade. I also have zero to none work experience. In my country minimum wage is not enough to support yourself, and I don’t qualify for unemployment checks. I’ve tried to find a job with my dogshit engineering bachelor’s for 6 months, 100+ applications, nothing. Starting an apprenticeship pays even less than minimum wave. I’m already falling behind on my masters degree, while hustling on the side. I barely manage living paycheck to paycheck. All this while stuck living in my parents house.
Second, I got nowhere to go. I’m an immigrant, there are no relatives I could go to, all my friends have their own families so I can’t couch surf, renting is to expensive. I would be fine with being homeless, but I got adult responsibilities now, that require residence.
Third, I’ve once been away for a few months, my dad almost cheated on my mom during this time but that’s beside the point. That’s probably the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life (granted it was peak Covid). There were times I haven’t left my dorm for days. I had to apologize to people for my voice cracks, because I’ve literally haven’t spoken a word out loud in days. I do not naturally seek out engagement, neither do people particularly miss my presence. I don’t want to leave because the speck of social life I have is tethered to my family or friends in my city. Sure I get along with strangers fairly well, but it’s all a facade, it’s learned behavior that I picked up through the years so I don’t get punched in the head for looking at somebody the wrong way (I apparently have a very ‘punchable’ face). I’m very carefull who I call a ‘friend’, and even then, the reason my friends are my actual friends is because we don’t talk about topics like this.
My way of living has really thought me to give others the benefit of the doubt, because nobody can ever tell at a glance what going on in a persons life. If somebody is being a dick to me I try not to be a dick back, because I don’t know whats going on behind the curtain. If somebody seems happy, I’m always asking ‘Are they really?’. This way I’ve never had a road rage incident, I’ve never got screamed at twice. I’m really good at disarming conflicts, which is an almost useless skill in day to day life.
That all sounds like it sucks, but I don’t think it’s as hopeless as I’m sure it feels.
Obviously this is just a snapshot into your life, and I’m sure there are more details under the hood, like what exact “adult responsibilities” and stuff you’ve got going on. That said, even in this text I think you’ve outlined a good bit of good stuff you’ve got going on.
First, I don’t know why you think conflict deescalation isn’t an absolutely in demand skill. Every job under the sun has conflict, and being able to manage that is huge. Even within Engineering, you could put that to huge use as a Sales Engineer or some other customer facing technical role.
Second, you got your bachelor’s in an engineering discipline. You can poo-poo your grades all you want, but at the end of the day you succeeded. No mean feat my man. That’s worth celebrating.
Finally, if you’re simply looking for a way out, there are institutions that are always looking for technical people. Obviously this is gonna vary a lot by country, so ymmv, but the government/military is always in need of people in technical roles, and rarely are able to fill them. It probably doesn’t pay nearly what a “normal” engineering job would, but it’d be more than an internship, and it would give you some of that structured camaraderie that you previously felt the lack of when trying to leave.
All that to say, don’t give up hope my guy. I know I’m just some schmuck on Lemmy of all places, but I think you’re capable of breaking out and getting to a better place.
You got this!
Yeah, I hope things will get better in the future.
So to clarify, I have multiple sisters. Two of which I hang out with frequently. I have 0 issues approaching, talking to, or hanging out with women or other people in general. I have some very real Issues relating to mental health that I wouldn’t share with any potential partner in a quintillion years.
I m so fucking shy and introverted. And so I prefer introverted people ,so, that’s difficult to find.
I feel that could be fixed with an app …
Aaaaaand it’s flooded with ads and trolls.
YAY
I used to be the same. I was actually okay when I was drunk so I used to be quite good and going to clubs and picking up women but in the normal grown-up world I was useless. I’m married now though, so there’s hope.
Well the thing is that I don’t like alcohol and I don’t like the idea of being drunk
I used to be exactly like you. My social battery died way too quick and I hated going anywhere. No interest in alcohol or getting drunk at all. But the thing is, if you don’t go anywhere or talk to anyone, you end up missing out on so many cool things. That unfortunately took me way too long to realize.
You kinda just gotta force yourself to go out and get used to it via exposure therapy. It absolutely sucks at first, but keep at it. It gets better. Having friends to go out with helps a ton, but I’m also at the point where I’m starting to get comfortable doing things by myself too. Doing that helps a ton with meeting new people.
I still don’t like alcohol, but it also helps me to be more social too. That in turn helps me get more comfortable with socializing in general. You don’t have to overdo it and get drunk, just enough to take the edge off and relax more. It’s a genuinely really helpful crutch at times.
I know it’s easy to disregard advice like this. I’ve done it plenty of times. But trust me, it’s worth it. Don’t rush, take your time, and you’ll get there eventually. I believe in you
And that’s the problem for many, we just don’t have friends, we don’t connect with anyone, social activities just ruin my day, I don’t have a job and forcing myself at being more “normal” feels like a job. Is not natural. I wish people would understand me and some girl would just synch with me under those conditions, because I can be cuddly and likeable enough with one person. But I know that is not going to happen.
It’s definitely not a natural feeling, and I totally get what you mean about it feeling like a job. I still struggle with it sometimes myself. I literally have to play mind games with myself to force myself to go out at times.
The unfortunate thing is, if you don’t try at all, you’re not going to get better. Like I said, it’ll be rough at first. You’ll feel super uncomfortable and want to run back to the safety of your solitude. But you have to push through it, or you’ll end up stuck where you are.
Mental health access is not great, but if you have an option to speak with a therapist, that may be a good first step if you need a helpful push
Yeah I’m not going to get better. Like you said, it is unfortunate.
Whenever you write something like that, you are training it to be true
In fact I have like two REAL friends (very close since forever ) who have the same hobbies than me. I m very creative ( I have adhd ) and focused on my hobbies , I have way to much of them so it took all my time, I’m with my friends all the time(IRL or on vocal). But yeah would also love to meet peoples, if they are a little nerd.
That’s awesome dude, and like, you should totally rely on each other where you can to just go out and do stuff you’re interested in. Get comfortable with it. Start looking for and suggesting things you want to do and see if you can drag them along. That’s what helped me get more comfortable starting to go out more, is just realizing how much stuff is out there I want to check out.
Genuinely the best way to meet other nerdy people is to go out to places where other nerds meet. I’m into like anime and stuff, and I’ve started forcing myself to go to cons in cosplay by myself, and I’ve met so many cool people that way because everyone is just so excited to share in the interest together
Well the thing is that my friends are also like me so they don’t want to go out , we prefer to do our hobbies together (he live 500m from my house )so yeah , there is no trigger to actually go meet other people. the irony is that we would love to meet peoples. Also when I said that I had lot of hobbies that’s because when you start making things you just can’t stop accumulating new way to do them , I explain I m a steel worker so I love make thing with steel, my friend is an engineer so we are complementary but we also love 3d print woodworking and do thing with light and electrical components. We also have have built a hobbies workshop. I think time is also my problem. Love anime too even if I’m a casu on this. :)
Sounds like you are doing good despite being single, I don’t have any friends and my only hobby is videogames, is literally the only thing that I like and even that is decreasing
Yeah and again unfortunately it’s a mindset thing. If you guys really want to meet people, there are ways to make it happen. Like making stuff like that sounds cool. If it’s something that other people like, maybe bring a booth to an event and sell stuff there. You can show off your passions and still hang out with your friends. People who also think it’s cool will seek you out and you can make conversation
I used to like being drunk (helps with depression) but I don’t want to get fat so I cut it
I’ve been on 2 first dates and quickly found out that I’m ace. One of them tried to kiss me (was very polite, not creepy, or handsy, so not blaming the guy) but I was mortified. I didn’t know what to do so I froze and just made it so uncomfortable. I also felt uncomfortable to be fair. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, if it was going well, what to say, what I should pay, what I should talk about, etc. It was just really stressful for me and I haven’t done it since. I wanna say that was about a decade ago, once I left college. And these two dates were my first dates period, as well as my last.
EDIT: I’m also obese, very tall, and unattractive. So no one has asked me out since those two, so it’s not like I’m dodging dick on the daily.
Wow wtf I had an almost identical dating experience…I went on one or two (can’t remember which) awkward, uncomfortable dates realizing I wasn’t into doing it. I felt really bad about it too!! I was probably early 20s at the time. I’m 30 now and have never tried again.
Sometimes I think about trying again with someone from an ace dating website, but no one on there is mutually interested and geographically close enough.
I’ve tried that as well. Honestly, these days I have one really good friend and I’m kind of good with that 😂
Never felt like it literally.
Having a relationship is a bonus for me. Not having one is normal, and I don’t mind.
Also that’s like a few hundred things that I don’t have to worry about.
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The final purpose is to reproduce, in theory. And I would like to be a father, I feel like I could become a decent one
The final purpose is to be happy with someone. With or without kids.
There is no true underlying purpose to a relationship. There are adventures to share together if you are both into them. But there doesn’t need to be some ulterior goal. Dating is just enjoying and wanting to spend time together.
Did you have another Lemmy account on leminal.space? If you did and are the same person I’m thinking of. You spend A LOT of time thinking and talking about relationships. And that account always came across like they wanted a relationship but didn’t want to put in any work to get one or work on themselves. They always spoke as if there was no hope and already prejudged women as if they never would like them.
It’s interesting how I immediately know the account you are talking about (even if I don’t recall the username). Their response to your comment is also on-brand
People in general just don’t like me, simple as that.
I’m 30-ish, and started to get into a few dates just this year.
I’m not sure why it has taken so long. Maybe it’s because of social anxiety that has taken long time learning how to manage.
I haven’t been on a particularly good date yet though.
What made you decide to start dating if you hadn’t done so prior? If you don’t mind me asking. I’m also 30 and haven’t ever dated really so I was just curious.
Technically I’ve been on a couple of dates because friends convinced me that I have to try. I got panic attacks. It felt that I have to perform well to show others that I can do dating, but at the same time I didn’t really want to be there.
We don’t really have dates in my culture. Either we like each other and hookup or we don’t. So when you finally go to the restaurant or whatever, it is with someone you already know and not a total stranger.
But I’m referring to IRL meetups, where you meet people during social events like a party, going to a bar etc (I do that as an introvert that loves being alone, I just don’t go out every night).
I’ve never tried apps like Tinder so maybe the first rendez-vous could be considered a date. I don’t know and don’t plan to discover it.
What’s your culture?
French (from France and Switzerland)
Don’t bother with tinder, they want your money first and it won’t work unless you’re a 7 or more. We’re European neighbours btw (less than 1000 km)
People suck.
